TOAD Talk: Stuart Johnson

Good morning and welcome back. I imagine at some point over Thanksgiving break you got the chance to be on the receiving end of some parental advice. For our older students, this may or may not have involved the college process. 

If you’re anything like me, the most common thing you’ll hear as you’re preparing to leave for college is “enjoy these four years…they will be the best of your life.” It was almost disconcerting how often I heard some version of that. What struck me was that I wasn’t hearing it from older students who were in college or from people who had recently graduated. Usually, I was hearing from adults in their 40s and 50s.

And what they were referring to was the sense of social connection they had during those years. The quality and depth of the relationships they built. A time in their lives when hanging out with their best friends was as simple as stepping outside of their dorm room.

Now, you all get to experience that right here even before your college years. But there’s a reason this feeling inspires such nostalgia for adults. It’s because it’s a thing that becomes increasingly rare as you get older, especially in this moment.

There has been a lot of research done in the last decade that highlights the growing epidemic of loneliness in this country. One in two adults say it’s something they experience regularly and 53% say they can name fewer than five close friends. This can have significant tragic consequences both for individuals and for society at large. The former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy described loneliness as the “defining public health crisis of our time.” 

So, how does this happen? I have to tell you that maintaining relationships with your friends as an adult can look a lot different than it does for you right now. And it can be a little reductive. Sometimes it’s sharing reels or memes in a group chat as a way of saying “this made me think of you” and getting the requisite hearts or other emoji reactions in return. 

All of which is nice but does it really replicate the depth and richness of the relationships you’re building here? Do you really find out how your friends are doing through that type of exchange? Does it help us learn from each other in meaningful ways? 

When you do get together in person as adults, it can be quite a process! Days of texts or emails back and forth to find a mutually agreeable time. Then, with about a month to go someone will send out a Google calendar invite. And in the ensuing weeks life can often get in the way and the gathering can end up postponed or canceled.

I have to tell you that when I’m meeting with students and I send out a Google calendar invite, I immediately cringe! I do this because I realize I’m foisting onto you one of the most mundane and least spontaneous aspects of adulthood. The reality is that if you were to blow off our meeting - and you shouldn’t - we’d probably see each other again on campus within a couple of hours anyway. The stakes really aren’t that high.

It was at one of these meetings earlier this year that a student remarked to me that our society no longer has a monoculture. That is, we lack shared cultural experiences, traditions, and touchpoints. And I think that’s true.

There was a moment not that long ago when tens of millions of people consumed the same news and the same shows at the same time. This created easy jumping off points for conversations that helped you get to know your neighbors, coworkers, and peers. It helped expose all of us to a variety of perspectives.

Now our algorithms are highly customized, our culture is diffuse, and even if you’re watching the same show you’re likely to hear “Wait! Don’t talk about it! I’m three episodes behind you in Stranger Things!”

This dynamic is true almost everywhere except, I would argue, a residential community like this one. Schools like Thacher are some of the last places in society where we do have consistently shared experiences.

So, I’m not telling you that your time here - or the four years that follow - will be the best of your lives. But what I am saying is that these almost effortless communal experiences are something that should not be taken for granted. 

The late writer Marina Keegan observed that we don’t have a word in the English language for the opposite of loneliness. But it’s the feeling of knowing you are in this together with people who are on your team. And the time we spend together, right here, evokes exactly that feeling.