Chapel Talk: Dan Yih

Good Morning and to all the mothers in the audience, Happy Mother’s Day. We are thankful to the School for scheduling Gymkhana on Mother’s Day weekend so we can all be together with our children to celebrate Mom's special day.

Gymkhana is such a great event—watching the freshmen compete—and their amazing progress from their tentative performances last fall. Congratulations to everyone who participated. In addition, thank you to the performers in the Arts Sampler. The performances were terrific.

When Michael Mulligan approached Nancy and me to speak today, we were surprised, honored, and our children were completely and utterly mortified. It is one thing to have your Dad and Mom embarrass you in front of a few friends with their stupid jokes.... but for the School to give them a platform to embarrass them in front of all of their friends—I am not sure our kids will ever forgive Michael. We accepted the invitation to speak today in spite of the protests from our children since we thought that after six years of coming here, we could provide some observations: what we have learned, what we missed, and what we could have done better. For those of you who are just starting your Thacher journey, hopefully our observations will be helpful.

As many of you know, we have three children. Our oldest, Stephen, graduated two years ago and is a freshman at Northwestern after his GAP year as a ski instructor and waiter; our middle son, Christopher, is graduating this year and heading to Jordan where he hopes to learn Arabic; and our youngest, Benjamin, is finishing his freshman year and finished in the top ten at the Gymkhana yesterday. We are very proud of each of them, as you can see, within the first two minutes of my talk, I have embarrassed them thoroughly.

Having all three of our kids attend this school and coming from the east coast, we are obviously big believers in Thacher. We are constantly amazed at how much our children grow during their four years here, not only academically but also more importantly emotionally .

Many of the Senior Exhibitions presented last month demonstrated this growth just like the Gymkhana demonstrates the growth freshman year. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Senior Exhibitions, I urge you to come and sit through them next year. They're great. Nancy and I were struck at how many of the presentations dealt with tough ethical issues. Anouk Ackerman talked about the Jewish Councils and whether the Jewish leaders should have participated in choosing which Jews went to the concentration camps; Will Kirkland questioned U.S. corporations that enabled foreign companies to break laws in their country; and my son Christopher presented the irony of a man, President Kigame of Rwanda, who is credited for stopping the genocide of over a million people but who has been indicted for murder in France.

Thacher's Mission Statement is to help the students live for “their own greatest good and for the greatest good of their fellow citizens.” Clearly, the seniors are thinking about these issues as reflected in their Senior Exhibition presentations. The students are asking: How did these people live their lives and were their actions justified? Did they live for the greatest good of their fellow citizens? And the ultimate question is what would the students have done, if they were in a similar position?

Nancy and I believe that one of Thacher's greatest strengths is helping its students ponder and perhaps answer these questions. Students are asked what is truly meaningful and important to them as individuals and to how should they conduct themselves. At the same time, Thacher reminds its students to take time out and reflect on these issues in a beautiful environment, like this outdoor chapel, where it is impossible not to be filled with humility and grace.

This question of what is important to you is especially relevant for teenagers who are bombarded with media impressions of things to buy, how to look, and in what pleasures to indulge. It is also relevant in a culture where going to the right college is so prevalent and, for some, all consuming.

While Thacher certainly does not ignore the importance of college placement—and coincidentally converted the former chapel into the college placement office—Thacher's focus is summed up best in a question presented to the candidates for School Chair a couple of years ago. Before the assembled School, the candidates were asked, "If your dorm were burning down and you could retrieve only one item from your room, what would it be?" Without hesitation, Max Hoffman, the School Chair for the Class of 2010, responded: "My roommate Stephen Yih." While I am comforted that my son would not burn with the rest of the dorm, I do think that the question posed and Max's answer reflect the importance with which the School places on the community and the friendships that are made here.

There are so many different ways that Thacher emphasizes the importance of the community. The freshman camping trip creates the initial bonds, and they are strengthened through the shared experiences of being away from home for the first time, the early morning mucking, and pains of learning to ride. I am always struck by how supportive and close the relationships are on campus, including those with faculty members. The Mulligans' open house on Saturday nights is an extraordinary part of the relaxed relationship between students and faculty. Thacher students, though, often take this hospitality for granted. When my son Stephen was invited to Northwestern's President Morty Shapiro's home for dinner last fall, he was the only one of 60 students who showed up not wearing a coat and tie. Obviously, he thought dinner with the head of school was not a big deal—not quite sure how he forgot about Formal Dinner, though.

Thacher also teaches its students that the only way its cherished community can truly thrive is when everyone conducts themselves with Honor, Fairness, Kindness, and Truth: the Honor Code. While many schools have Honor Codes, few schools can make their Code a part of the students' daily lives. I was impressed that Thacher took the time this winter for each dorm to teach the nuances of the Code to the students and how to implement it on a practical basis. Seniors led conversations within the dorms with actual case studies. The most difficult of which was what should a student do when a friend breaks the rules and no one else knows besides yourself.

I remember when my son told me that the School had been so unfair in punishing a friend for something that many other people had committed but just had not been caught. Frankly, I missed an opportunity to talk to my son about his responsibility to the community and reinforce Thacher's lessons.

Michael Mulligan has said, “Tough times are powerful learning moments for all…there are almost always difficult decisions to be made..., and then communicated, defined, and sometimes defended and then discussed ad infinitum.” These constant discussions and debates are what make the Honor Code real.

My eldest son Stephen, who was a member of the Judicial Committee in his senior year, learned a very difficult lesson when one of his best friends was brought before the Committee for lying. My son agonized over how his friend should be punished and what was the right way to defend the committee's decision not only to the community but also, most importantly, to defend his decision to his friend.

An important part of the Thacher culture which Nancy and I did not fully understand when we first brought our eldest to Thacher is the camping trips. Camping is not really our family's thing, and our kids call it “scoop to poop,” not something particularly endearing to Mom. We never quite understood the odd practice of going camping immediately prior to final exams and were privately pleased when tennis competition allowed our kids to skip spring camping—giving them more time to study for finals.

However, we have come to learn and appreciate that it is precisely when the pressure is the greatest that the School gives the students a time to breathe and put their lives in perspective. As stated in the School's Camping Manual, “ there is an inherent grace to the wilderness that enriches and uplifts our spirits.” I know that there is a discussion of whether the camping trips should be moved to after spring finals but I encourage those who are making the decision to ignore parents like us who don't get it.

At the end of the day, how does all of this help the students answer the questions posed by their Senior Exhibitions? They have learned: What do they truly value; How to conduct themselves and to keep their problems in perspective. Amazing lessons to have learned. I have no doubt that one day many of Thacher's students will be in positions of importance to make weighty and difficult decisions that will have a tremendous impact on their communities. I also have no doubt that the various lessons learned during their four years here will be of great help as they ponder and make those decisions.

In closing, our message to the students in the audience is to embrace all that Thacher has to offer and to keep your eyes and ears open, since there is probably a lesson in there somewhere; to the parents, help your child recognize these opportunities, reinforce Thacher's lessons, and something Nancy and I did not realize soon enough, stay out of the way; and to the faculty members who are here today, thank you for [the] many amazing gifts that you have given our children.